Forgiveness can be a difficult pill to swallow as perhaps we believe it means we are okay with or condone what happened. I heard a profound statement by Jean Paul Samputu, a survivor of the genocide in Rwanda – “My forgiveness doesn’t have anything to do with justice” – and this got me searching for more understanding. Here was a man, whose family was murdered by his best friend, able to speak about achieving inner peace through forgiveness and building bridges with the perpetrator.

Samputu explains that forgiveness should be a permanent attitude and that the lack of forgiveness allows the other person to continue to control your life and to continue hurting you. In other words, you are controlled by the bad actions of another. He sees forgiveness as life and resentment as death, and rallies to break the cycle of “an eye for an eye” as this keeps the cycle of revenge going. He is a true reflection of strength and inner peace – demonstrating that revenge is for the weak as forgiveness is much harder.

Bob Enright, PhD, a psychologist at the University of Wisconsin, Madison, who pioneered the study of forgiveness three decades ago states that true forgiveness goes a step further by offering something positive—empathy, compassion, understanding—toward the person who hurt you. That element makes forgiveness both a virtue and a powerful construct in positive psychology.

As we move toward the end of the year – let us use this time to learn from those who have forgiven deeply and who describe liberation as a result – to reflect on who or what situation we can choose to forgive. Forgiveness is a choice.

Letting go releases the burdens we carry and allows us to move lightly into new beginnings – a new year. We have carried much baggage from our life stories and experiences as well as the shackles of Covid-19. Let us release the control they have had over us and in doing so, we release the bondage of imprisonment.

Forgiveness is for you.

Science on Forgiveness:

Research has shown that forgiveness is linked to mental health outcomes such as reduced anxiety, depression and major psychiatric disorders, as well as with fewer physical health symptoms and lower mortality rates (American Psychological Association)
In a meta-analysis, Yoichi Chida, MD, PhD, found that anger and hostility are linked to a higher risk of heart disease, and poorer outcomes for people with existing heart disease
In a further study, Loren Toussaint, PhD, a professor of psychology at Luther College, in Decorah, Iowa, followed participants for five weeks and measured how their levels of forgiveness ebbed and flowed. He found that when forgiveness rose, levels of stress went down. Reduced stress, in turn, led to a decrease in mental health symptoms.

This month’s challenge:

Worthington’s REACH Forgiveness model aims to find compassion for the offender, through a five-step process that helps people address their hurt, find empathy for the person who hurt them, reach forgiveness and hold onto that forgiveness over time.

Work through the below steps as an end of year gift to yourself.

REACH Forgiveness of Others

R = Recall the hurt.
To heal, you have to face the fact that you have been hurt. Decide not to treat yourself like a victim and not to treat the other person badly or nastily. Make a decision to forgive. Decide that you are not going to pursue payback but you will treat the person as a valuable person.

E = Empathize.
Empathy is putting yourself in the other person’s chair. Pretend that the other person is in an empty chair across from you. Talk to him/ her. Pour your heart out. Then, when you’ve had your say, sit in his/ her chair. Talk back to the imaginary you in a way that helps you see why the other person might have wronged you. This builds empathy, and even if you can’t empathize, you might feel more sympathy, compassion, or love, which helps you heal from hurt. This allows you to give …

A = Altruistic gift.
Give forgiveness as an unselfish, altruistic gift. We all can remember when we wronged someone—maybe a parent, teacher, or friend—and the person forgave us. We felt light and free. And we didn’t want to disappoint that person by doing wrong again. By forgiving unselfishly, you can give that same gift to someone who hurt you.

C = Commit.
Once you’ve forgiven, write a note to yourself—something as simple as, “Today, I forgave [person’s name] for hurting me.” This helps your forgiveness last.

H = Hold onto forgiveness.
Write a note of commitment because we will almost surely be tempted to doubt that we really forgave. Re-read your note. You did forgive.

Supercharge the challenge:

Watch and listen to this Ted Talk by Sarah Montana on why forgiveness is worth it:
https://www.ted.com/talks/sarah_montana_why_forgiveness_is_worth_it?utm_campaign=tedspread&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=tedcomshare

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Building Bridges

REACH Forgiveness of Others

by Bronwyn Russo

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